LET'S GO SKINS On 3

I woke up on Friday knowing I would probably not get much work (if any) done the whole day. The Redskins vs. Patriots game was at 7:30 or 8 pm or something which gave me 10+ hours to twiddle my thumbs in anticipation and stress about how much work I should be doing. I did this from my couch, wondering if anyone would pass by my office and notice I wasn't there (they did).

It was a rainy Friday, just like gameday the week before. I was initially very upset about this. If I'm going to skip a whole day of work for a Skins game I expect to get in some intense tailgating complete with melt your face off sunshine. No such luck today. I put in 2-3 hours of semi-solid work which I think is pretty impressive considering I wasn't planning on doing any hours of work. Guilt is a very powerful motivator.

I shower, round up every article of burgundy and gold clothing I own, grab two bottles of wine, check to make sure the corkscrew is in the car (it is), thank myself profusely for putting rainguards on my windows the other week and head out to pick up Jenna J (no, not a porn star), JC and Devin. We meet Whit at my parents house to grab the tickets. As I'm getting the tickets from inside and talking to my mom (or so I think) I notice she isn't responding to anything I'm saying. I am completely talking to myself. I go outside and find my mother chatting up my car full of friends which would normally be totally fine... but not today. Today my car is "bar car" and all my friends are drinking since we're running a little late for tailgating. Mom's not a fan of bar car. Mom now thinks I'm an alcoholic in desperate need of new friends. Splendid. Moving on.

By the time we get to the stadium we're all pretty much drunk. Hmmm... Mom may be right... Anyways I'm really excited because it's a little chilly which normally I would hate but not when I'm dying to wear my new "Chris Cooley Is My Life Coach" sweatshirt. Rain or no rain I could not be happier.

We all decide that we're ready to go in. This will mark the first time that I have ever gotten into the stadium without having to sprint to my section to see kickoff. We chill around the endzone bar and get some drinks. By "some drinks" I mean we take shots of tequila. It wasn't my idea but I'm not one to turn down free alcohol. Whit sees a group of 6 police officers huddled in the corridor. She approaches them to take a picture of us and begins chatting (she's intrigued by the popo).

After a couple minutes we find out that the policeman she's talking to is a Pats fan. I step back in utter horror, "But... but you work for the Redskins!" I look with wide eyes to the rest of the officers for support, motioning wildly, clearly distraught. "Don't look at me," says the one next to me, "I'm a Cowboys fan." GASP, "NO!" I take a step back and look at the officer next to Cowboys fan, "What about you?!" I say with a desperate whimper in my voice, hoping against all hope to find one Skins fan in the bunch. "Same... Cowboys fan."

My eyes reach their full wideness (and wildness) and I just begin pointing at the remaining officers to find out which team they root for. Bengals, Bengals, 49ers. I take a few more steps back and look at Whit and Jenna who seem to not be bothered by this in the slightest. I feel deeply betrayed and am almost certain that I would feel this way even if I was completely sober. JC and Devin walk up from the bar, "What's wrong?" they ask to the girl who looks like she just saw a ghost (that's me), "NONE of them are Skins fans!!" I scream and point at them in tattle-tale fashion, "Pats, Cowboys, Cowboys, Bengals, Bengals and 49ers! It's just NOT RIGHT!!"

"It's ok boo" says JC, "Let's go get another drink." I'm swayed. I'm so easy sometimes. As we walk away I glare daggers at all the cops, mentally daring them to say something about the Redskins. They don't. I notice Whit and Jenna are still talking to them. Traitors.

I glance at my phone, "OMG WE GOTTA GO!" I scream for Whit and Jenna and begin sprinting towards my section (I guess I'll be doing this no matter what time I get in the stadium). I glance to see if my friends are following and Whit runs straight into my drink knocking it all over me. How can I be mad when she's so enthusiastic and it's 30 seconds to kickoff? I cannot. We laugh and pick up the pace to an all out race. Parents with small children beware.

We scream, "See you at halftime!" to JC and Devin and dart into section 126.

Jenna was pumped because she had never been to a Pats game. Did I mention Jenna's a Patriots fan? I'm not sure how much of her fanaticalness (word?) is due to the hotness of Tom Brady and how much is due to actual... fan-like feelings? Hmmm. I know she wasn't born in New England so scratch that off the list. I also know she loves her some Tom Brady. So let's blame it on Tom. I bet we could blame many of the worlds issues on Tom. I was excited (as was Whit) because I knew the starters were going to be in for half the game. So like half the game was basically a real game that just didn't count. To me though it's not about wins and losses (bold-faced lie), but seriously guys... it's about performance and pride (and wins and losses).

Lucky for us this is just preseason because as you all know we lost. We did, however, rack up some serious pride points and put on one hell of a performance. Jason Campbell... didn't I say the boy could throw down field!??!!! DIDN'T I!?! Can we do that ALL SEASON PLEASE!? Everyone say it... "You were right Heather". If you don't want to say it now, that's fine. You can tell me at the end of the season. Either way, you'll be saying it. Ohhhh yes, you'll be saying it.

Holy Native Americans, Campbell's pass to Moss was unbelievable! Santana is back!!! How he stayed in bounds is beyond me. Snaps for Moss for getting his feet down on the play. And who is this Marko Mitchell?? Why was I unaware of this player before? And Marcus Mason? Where did these boys come from?? Are these the missing puzzle pieces? The Redskins finally meshed well! I get chills thinking about it.

Santana's not the only one who's back. Standing ovation for Mr. Chris Cooley (hey boy heyyyy). He owned that field Friday night. His 73 yard gain was B-E-A-Utiful. I vaguely remember him having another long pass that was either overthrown or a little off... but I might be making that up... that might have been a pass to Kelly... or another to Moss? I can't remember. Cooley looked like a machine running down the field though, I remember that. We all screamed, "COOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEY!!" and I waved and chopped my tomahawk through the air.

I feel inclined to mention that that may be the worst picture I've ever taken. It's got spirit though. Lots of spirit. Notice the shaka in the background? The dude behind us was Hawaiian. He LOVED him some Colt Brennan. I also like in this picture how we are clearly not hanging out with Jenna the Patriots fan.

On to the best part of the game. 3rd and goal on the 4 yard line. Campbell drops left and looks. We hold our breathe. No one's open. Campbell keeps his composure and PUMP FAKES THE SHIT OUT OF THE BALL CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF PATS LB PARIS LENON (ohhh what an idiot you looked like Paris) AND RUNS STRAIGHT INTO THE ENDZONE. He does what now? YOU HEARD ME. TOUCHDOWN BITCHES! Oops, I mean TOUCHDOWN REDSKINS! And... I even saw Jason Campbell crack a smile. Swear on my life I saw a grin. I talked about and re-brought-up that play for the rest of the night, "Did you SEE that!?!" Jason Campbell I am in awe of you. I missed you. War Damn Eagle Baby.

Halftime consisted of drinking, meeting up with friends and a whole lot of, "Did you SEE that!?!" After halftime we didn't go back to our regular seats. We followed JC and Devin to Devin's seats because he said there were open ones around them. I walked straight past the woman checking tickets and just pretended to be deaf and/or stupid (she didn't come after me). These seats were worth it. Home side, 10 yard line, 3 rows up from the field. THREE rows up from the field. Observe:

That's not zoomed in at ALL. Oops maybe it wasn't ten yard line... looks like endzone. Whatever. They were awesome. Randle El ran right past us twice. So close I could have talked to him without even yelling. Incredible.

Side note: What are your thoughts on the new Redskins cheerleader uniforms? Anyone else think they just look like American Apparel?? I kinda miss the old ones.

Back to the game. I'm drunkish and very very happy. Until Colt throws a pick. Dammit Colt. His face (besides being adorable) is the exact opposite of Campbells and not just because he's white and Campbell's black... b/c that's an obvious and I feel retarded even stating it. Brennan shows so much emotion on the field. His face just fell like, "Oh God noooooo! Whhhhy?! Fer real?! Again?!?" Man and then he just got taken down hard trying to stop the rush. I hope he puts on a freagin stellar performance against the Jaguars because I'm sick of people talking about cutting Colt. It's ridiculous. Why would people say such things? He did have a gorgeous touchdown pass in the 3rd. And thank God because he deserved it. 33 yards to Mitchell (who is that kid?!) and it's all tied up at 24.

In my head the game ended at 24. In preseason I don't think that field goals in the last minute and a half should count. So I don't count them. And that was it. I was a little upset that they upset us with one minute left but whoop-di-freagin-doo it doesn't really matter now does it? The Redskins have been flying waaay under the radar so far. ESPN has basically written us off as around a 6-10 team. A 6-10 team. Fer reals. Sports Center never talks about us. It's all Vick this and Favre that and Brady this and Cutler that. GOOD. Ignore us. I cant wait to see your ugly faces when we destroy ALL OF YOU.

Breathe Breathe. Phew. Ok. Now help: What the hell should I do about Brandon Marshall tonight? I have a fantasy draft and he's really pissing me off and stressing me out. Feedback loved and appreciated.

HTTR!

Oh hey want your own "Chris Cooley Is My Life Coach" T-shirt or hoodie? Get em here. They have other awesome gear too. LOTS of other awesome gear. Personal Fav: I Hate Dallas and So Should You

Excuse Me Miss... I'm Going To Need To See Your... Is That A Tomahawk??

3:55 PM Thursday, August something, 2009- I dash from my office while boss man is in the little boys room. Down 3 flights of stairs and out the side door. Two things suddenly hit me:
1) Massive amounts of Sunlight. Phew. It is confirmed that I am not yet a vampire and all is well with the world.
2) How beautiful GiGi looks with such bad ass flags on the back windows. Raaawrrrr gurl you so sexxxy.
Oh then one more thing hits me:
One more thing) I'm late... Dammit.
J texts me and says L just got to her office and they're ready and waiting for me to pick them up. Then she adds (unnecessarily if you ask me) that if we miss kickoff it will be all my fault and it will completely ruin L's birthday. So I need to hurry my ass up.
Although I love L, very much so, I was less worried with ruining her birthday and more worried with missing kickoff for personal fanatical reasons. I drove like a maniac. Anyone see me on the roads? No I didn't think so... cause I was FLYING.

I learned some great things that Thursday. A day in which you learn something is a day well spent... or something whatever. I learned that Baltimore has relocated recently. Yeah, when I was a kid and we (family) went to Orioles games... it took like 3 1/2 hours to get there. Now I knew that was probably due a bit to my mother- the safest driver in the world- and I had also google maped Baltimore earlier and it said it was 45 minutes away to which I said, "BULLSHIT". I may have even coughed when I said that. It's a habit. So I averaged out 3.5 hrs + 50 min divided by 70+ mph times percentage of cars on the road to the 3rd power (# of people in my car) and figured (statistically speaking) Baltimore must be about 2 hrs away. Round down since I'm not driving- I'm flying- 1 1/2 hrs.

FALSE! Google maps I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were right. How did you know? 45 minutes really?!? That's IT?! I had no idea. I had no idea my mother could drive that slow. Oh and 45 minutes was the ride home... it actually did take around 2 hours to get there, Traffic is SUCH a BITCH. Especially when you're dealing with Marylanders. ESPECIALLY when those Marylanders are Ravens fans going to a Ravens vs. Skins game.

What else did I learn... hmmm... oh yeah, Baltimore. Sucks.

I hate to say "Can you say ghettttooo" when my team hails from DC (which I like to think stands for the "Definition of Classy" and yes you can RT that) ... but... Can you say GHETTO!??!!

Oh and evidently spiking your hair w/massive amounts of gel is still totally cool there. I know... It's like an alien world only 45 minutes away. I wonder if Michael Phelps was checking himself out in the mirror, fixin his hair when he crashed his car that night... (picture caption...) That's not water... that's hair gel. Douchey Ugly Tools Who Think They're Hot Shit UNITE in B-more!! No Homo.

Anyways. We get there. We cant find the O lot. The O lot is NOwhere to be found. Signage? Yeah for every lot EXCEPT the O lot. Typical. We miss kickoff. I'm pissed now. Ravens fans hoot and holler at us as we walk to the stadium (we finally found the O lot after asking at least 10 Baltimorons where it was. Long story not interesting) which makes me more pissed. Oh but what IS a little interesting... When we find O lot we also find that the lots have assigned parking spots. ALL the spots are numbered. I cant go find the biggest spot and park in it. I HAVE to park in my spot. I'm not gonna lie I don't remember the number at all. Irrelevant. Yeah that wasn't that interesting. So the game has already started. I'm on a highly focused, fast paced mission to get to our seats asap.

I attempt to walk straight into the stadium drinking a can of beer and smoking a cigarette. For some reason when I go somewhere new I forget that though I'm not at home... the rules still apply. I guess I assume other places will be different. "Oh you mean I can't get this Vodka water in a to-go cup?? Why the fuck not I'm on vacation bitch"

Something like that. I am stopped by Ravens staff, let's call them bouncers b/c that's what they looked like. Ray Lewis. They were all that size. I must throw out and put out. So I do. Then I realize I have a small bottle (one from a little four pack) of wine in my purse. Awesome! "Miss, I need to look inside your purse" Shit. Baltimore does bag check too. What are the odds? I decide to put these bouncers (actually this was just a normal sized black woman bouncer) to the test. I still don't know how she didn't see the wine bottle. I mean, it was right there. It must have been my amazing distraction skills. Or it may have been my tomahawk. Either way... Ravens security does not compare to Redskins security. Suck it Baltimore.

I get through security (I think) and see L and J, "YEAHH LET'S DO IT!"
I am stopped suddenly by a big, black bouncer arm, "Miss, I'm going to need to see your... tomahawk? Is that a tomahawk?"
"Hell yeah it's a tomahawk! We're Indians!" (make battle cry with mouth and hand while waving arm with tomahawk above my head)
Bouncer is clearly entertained and begins inspecting tomahawk. I try to speed up the process...
"It's just plastic it ain't g'ona hurt nobody... (bouncer nods)... unless they're askin for it of course" (evil grin)
Bouncer laughs assuming I'm kidding (I am not), "Where'd you get that?" Hands it back to me.
"Halloween. I stole it from an Indian Chief."

And off we go into the wild purple yonder.

Our seats are lower endzone. I'm not a huge fan of endzone seats but they were free so... I'm a fan of free. We get there. We're mildly drunk at this point but sober enough to realize that we are sitting right behind the entire Ravens band. Fuck. My. Life.

We make fun of them the whole game. Especially the "clappers". They stand in the back of the band; their only job is to clap. SOOO much talent in Baltimore. Excellent clappers. We also make fun of the douchey boys around us and their trashy women. I know, sounds like an amazing time. It was indeed.

Till we realized we were losing. We were losing AND we hadn't even gotten so much as a field goal. How did this happen? I pay attention at games. Seriously I'm the most focused chick in the stadium no matter how intoxicated. I didn't like being at another stadium though... I was distracted by all the sucky people around me. They were more interested in heckling us than in paying attention to the game and I never take heckling sitting down. Oh no... I heckle back. And I'm fucking good at it. L is really good at it too. I'm actually really REALLY surprised we didn't get in any fights. Baltimore fans are such pussys.

I'm not really going to get into how the team played this game, sorry but so many starters didn't play at all it just seems pointless. I will say that Collins looked good, decent, alright; pretty boring if you ask me though. Colt looked good... I think he had a pick but better to get it outta the way right? He looked good rushing, picked up some good yards there.

Ugh, sorry guys from now on I wont wait over two weeks to write about a game... it's a little hard to remember much after this long. Anyways, it wasn't really a great game. It was fun but altogether looked like a scrimmage/practice. But what can I really expect? I mean, that's kind of exactly what preseason is.

The game left us feeling like this... >>>>>> I'm not sure what J is doing though. Actually I'm not really sure what any of us are doing... we're a unique group.

The Ravens cheerleaders kicked ass though. They're the only cheerleaders in the NFL that stunt. If you don't know what that means, it means they throw girls up in the air and stuff... like competitive cheerleading. I fell in love. They were really good. Wanna see a video?

Of course you do. You're in luck- I took one.



No I will not be trying out for the Ravens squad. Redskins squad? Yes, next year. Ravens? NEVER.

I also went to the Steelers game at Fed Ex last week and it was MUCH better. God it was so much better, not even comparable. I think it's because I didn't wear the necklace I wore to Baltimore (it obviously was bad luck) I will never wear that necklace again.

And don't worry, we play the Pats tomorrow and I'm going to that game as well so I'm gonna write about the Steelers game TODAY. Get excited. Fuck Baltimore. HTTR!

Watch Out B-more... Here We Come

AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHH YES YES YES IT'S HERRREEE!!!! AHHHH! I'M SO EXITED I'M SO EXCITED! AHHHHHHHHH!

In 24 hours I will be happily skipping out of work, changing into shorts, a skins tank top, a jersey, a hat and/or headband and flip flops, putting car window flags on my car, heading to pick up my friends J and L and then... and thennn... WE HEAD TO BALTIMORE TO WATCH THE SKINS TAKE ON THE RAVENS IN THE FIRST PRE-SEASON GAME!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I cant believe it's finally here! Football season is HERE! No more watching stupid baseball highlights on ESPN! Well... a little bit but I can handle a little bit. I feel like I've been waiting forever for this. Without football a part of me would die every August. I'm a summer baby, a beach girl; I get pretty depressed come winter- I HATE winter. Football keeps me alive through February and then it's just a couple short torturous months counting down to when the warm weather comes back. Thanksgiving and Christmas have NOTHING on football. Once Halloween is over it's all football all the freagin time for me and I LOVE it.

I'm lucky enough to have some bad ass friends, both girls and boys, who also are pretty obsessed with football so you can expect some pretty amazing stories of our football outings. I promise they will never disappoint. Tomorrow is L's birthday so you know it's gonna get crazy. So maybe I'll see you in Baltimore tomorrow! If you're going to the game let me know! We're pretty amazing tailgating buddies... we will whoop you in some beer pong. We also love corn hole and shotgunning beers before game time. =) HTTR!!! I cant even express how pumped I am. AHHHHH!!!