Excuse Me Miss... I'm Going To Need To See Your... Is That A Tomahawk??

3:55 PM Thursday, August something, 2009- I dash from my office while boss man is in the little boys room. Down 3 flights of stairs and out the side door. Two things suddenly hit me:
1) Massive amounts of Sunlight. Phew. It is confirmed that I am not yet a vampire and all is well with the world.
2) How beautiful GiGi looks with such bad ass flags on the back windows. Raaawrrrr gurl you so sexxxy.
Oh then one more thing hits me:
One more thing) I'm late... Dammit.
J texts me and says L just got to her office and they're ready and waiting for me to pick them up. Then she adds (unnecessarily if you ask me) that if we miss kickoff it will be all my fault and it will completely ruin L's birthday. So I need to hurry my ass up.
Although I love L, very much so, I was less worried with ruining her birthday and more worried with missing kickoff for personal fanatical reasons. I drove like a maniac. Anyone see me on the roads? No I didn't think so... cause I was FLYING.

I learned some great things that Thursday. A day in which you learn something is a day well spent... or something whatever. I learned that Baltimore has relocated recently. Yeah, when I was a kid and we (family) went to Orioles games... it took like 3 1/2 hours to get there. Now I knew that was probably due a bit to my mother- the safest driver in the world- and I had also google maped Baltimore earlier and it said it was 45 minutes away to which I said, "BULLSHIT". I may have even coughed when I said that. It's a habit. So I averaged out 3.5 hrs + 50 min divided by 70+ mph times percentage of cars on the road to the 3rd power (# of people in my car) and figured (statistically speaking) Baltimore must be about 2 hrs away. Round down since I'm not driving- I'm flying- 1 1/2 hrs.

FALSE! Google maps I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You were right. How did you know? 45 minutes really?!? That's IT?! I had no idea. I had no idea my mother could drive that slow. Oh and 45 minutes was the ride home... it actually did take around 2 hours to get there, Traffic is SUCH a BITCH. Especially when you're dealing with Marylanders. ESPECIALLY when those Marylanders are Ravens fans going to a Ravens vs. Skins game.

What else did I learn... hmmm... oh yeah, Baltimore. Sucks.

I hate to say "Can you say ghettttooo" when my team hails from DC (which I like to think stands for the "Definition of Classy" and yes you can RT that) ... but... Can you say GHETTO!??!!

Oh and evidently spiking your hair w/massive amounts of gel is still totally cool there. I know... It's like an alien world only 45 minutes away. I wonder if Michael Phelps was checking himself out in the mirror, fixin his hair when he crashed his car that night... (picture caption...) That's not water... that's hair gel. Douchey Ugly Tools Who Think They're Hot Shit UNITE in B-more!! No Homo.

Anyways. We get there. We cant find the O lot. The O lot is NOwhere to be found. Signage? Yeah for every lot EXCEPT the O lot. Typical. We miss kickoff. I'm pissed now. Ravens fans hoot and holler at us as we walk to the stadium (we finally found the O lot after asking at least 10 Baltimorons where it was. Long story not interesting) which makes me more pissed. Oh but what IS a little interesting... When we find O lot we also find that the lots have assigned parking spots. ALL the spots are numbered. I cant go find the biggest spot and park in it. I HAVE to park in my spot. I'm not gonna lie I don't remember the number at all. Irrelevant. Yeah that wasn't that interesting. So the game has already started. I'm on a highly focused, fast paced mission to get to our seats asap.

I attempt to walk straight into the stadium drinking a can of beer and smoking a cigarette. For some reason when I go somewhere new I forget that though I'm not at home... the rules still apply. I guess I assume other places will be different. "Oh you mean I can't get this Vodka water in a to-go cup?? Why the fuck not I'm on vacation bitch"

Something like that. I am stopped by Ravens staff, let's call them bouncers b/c that's what they looked like. Ray Lewis. They were all that size. I must throw out and put out. So I do. Then I realize I have a small bottle (one from a little four pack) of wine in my purse. Awesome! "Miss, I need to look inside your purse" Shit. Baltimore does bag check too. What are the odds? I decide to put these bouncers (actually this was just a normal sized black woman bouncer) to the test. I still don't know how she didn't see the wine bottle. I mean, it was right there. It must have been my amazing distraction skills. Or it may have been my tomahawk. Either way... Ravens security does not compare to Redskins security. Suck it Baltimore.

I get through security (I think) and see L and J, "YEAHH LET'S DO IT!"
I am stopped suddenly by a big, black bouncer arm, "Miss, I'm going to need to see your... tomahawk? Is that a tomahawk?"
"Hell yeah it's a tomahawk! We're Indians!" (make battle cry with mouth and hand while waving arm with tomahawk above my head)
Bouncer is clearly entertained and begins inspecting tomahawk. I try to speed up the process...
"It's just plastic it ain't g'ona hurt nobody... (bouncer nods)... unless they're askin for it of course" (evil grin)
Bouncer laughs assuming I'm kidding (I am not), "Where'd you get that?" Hands it back to me.
"Halloween. I stole it from an Indian Chief."

And off we go into the wild purple yonder.

Our seats are lower endzone. I'm not a huge fan of endzone seats but they were free so... I'm a fan of free. We get there. We're mildly drunk at this point but sober enough to realize that we are sitting right behind the entire Ravens band. Fuck. My. Life.

We make fun of them the whole game. Especially the "clappers". They stand in the back of the band; their only job is to clap. SOOO much talent in Baltimore. Excellent clappers. We also make fun of the douchey boys around us and their trashy women. I know, sounds like an amazing time. It was indeed.

Till we realized we were losing. We were losing AND we hadn't even gotten so much as a field goal. How did this happen? I pay attention at games. Seriously I'm the most focused chick in the stadium no matter how intoxicated. I didn't like being at another stadium though... I was distracted by all the sucky people around me. They were more interested in heckling us than in paying attention to the game and I never take heckling sitting down. Oh no... I heckle back. And I'm fucking good at it. L is really good at it too. I'm actually really REALLY surprised we didn't get in any fights. Baltimore fans are such pussys.

I'm not really going to get into how the team played this game, sorry but so many starters didn't play at all it just seems pointless. I will say that Collins looked good, decent, alright; pretty boring if you ask me though. Colt looked good... I think he had a pick but better to get it outta the way right? He looked good rushing, picked up some good yards there.

Ugh, sorry guys from now on I wont wait over two weeks to write about a game... it's a little hard to remember much after this long. Anyways, it wasn't really a great game. It was fun but altogether looked like a scrimmage/practice. But what can I really expect? I mean, that's kind of exactly what preseason is.

The game left us feeling like this... >>>>>> I'm not sure what J is doing though. Actually I'm not really sure what any of us are doing... we're a unique group.

The Ravens cheerleaders kicked ass though. They're the only cheerleaders in the NFL that stunt. If you don't know what that means, it means they throw girls up in the air and stuff... like competitive cheerleading. I fell in love. They were really good. Wanna see a video?

Of course you do. You're in luck- I took one.



No I will not be trying out for the Ravens squad. Redskins squad? Yes, next year. Ravens? NEVER.

I also went to the Steelers game at Fed Ex last week and it was MUCH better. God it was so much better, not even comparable. I think it's because I didn't wear the necklace I wore to Baltimore (it obviously was bad luck) I will never wear that necklace again.

And don't worry, we play the Pats tomorrow and I'm going to that game as well so I'm gonna write about the Steelers game TODAY. Get excited. Fuck Baltimore. HTTR!